So Today is Tuseday,
Wich means it is the day I have to go home... I have been staying with my aunt sence friday because my mom decided she didn't want any kids around. Wich is fine I don't care because it gets me away from all of her crap. The days went by to fast. I'm getting a little sick just knowing I go home in an hour and a half. As awful as it sounds I don't miss being home. I don't miss my brother or my parents. I only miss the pets.
Knowing I have to go back to that house where everything I do is wrong and not good enough, Where I get yelled at for no reason,Where I'm constantly alone,Where they constantly make me want to cut and have suicidle thoughts, makes me feel AWFUL. I don't want to go back there. I know I'm just going to end up hearing them fight and me being yelled at by my mother the moment I walk through the door. And I know I will be alone instantly.
I already know how my night may plan out. Once Blake finally calls for us to talk before we fall asleep I will be crying. Crying telling him yet again how much I hate being there and how awful everyone makes me feel... I fear I will get really suicidle tonight... I get like that alot because I live in that house... I tell myself not to so I don't hurt Blake. But with all the painful emotions I can't always stop feeling so suicidle and breaking down...
I fear once I get home and stupid stuff starts up I will feel like cutting....... It's been eight weeks and three days sence I last cut. <3... But I know when I get home the urge to cut will hit. And I will look for anything to hurt myself with. Trying to stop cutting is alot to go through. But when shit from home happens it adds up and everything it ten times worse. Then another ten times worse because I can't run to the comfort of my razor.
Lord Jesus help me get through this.
I do not want to go home... I do not want to go through so much shit I don't want to go back when I know I will just end up crying alone all night and all week.
This all just... Sucks...
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Saturday Frustrations
Today is an okay day. My aunt is at work and my uncle has been on his computure all day so I've been with their kid all day. Wich is okay. But she is getting on my nervers and being mean to the kitten. I'm trying not to yell at her but it can be rather hard. But I don't know how far I can go punishment wise. I would go to her father but he is to busy on his game and is not paying much attention. But it's his day off of work so I get it. I guess I just need to talorate kids better.
To keep her busy and quiet I gave her some of my string and beads. She is making a phone charm for her mom but shhhh it's a surprise.
My mental sate is kind of down aswell. I don't know why. But I pray is goes up. And I hope I can go simming today.
To keep her busy and quiet I gave her some of my string and beads. She is making a phone charm for her mom but shhhh it's a surprise.
My mental sate is kind of down aswell. I don't know why. But I pray is goes up. And I hope I can go simming today.
Friday, July 27, 2012
This is me.
Hello there,
It's about to turn 11:00p.m. I'm staying with my aunt for the weekend WICH IS THE BEST. I really needed to get away from all the drama at home. My life is well... Werid. I am sixteen. I have seen things and been through things I shouldnt have. My parents are great yes. But have alot of down points. My mom really knows how to bring me down and make me feel like utter shit. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. So often times I really feel like giving up on trying to help with house work. All she ever does is moan whine and sleep. It's just... Uhg.
Being with my aunt is the best. There is no stress and everything is fun. Though at times I feel like I am intruding. So I hope I can figure out ways to help out around the house and such.
I love and hate life. I often think of suicide and of ending my life. And I often use to turn to self harm. But not that I look at the time once it turn mid-night I will have gone eight weeks without cutting. Wich to me is a huge deal. This is a tough battle. People don't seem to understand. But what ever. With my lord Jesus by my side I can get through this. And I hope that one day I will no longer have thougts of suicide or self harm.
In my life it is very very hard for me to keep friends. I am very diffrent than other poeple I talk and think diffrently. And like alot of difffrent things. So me having friends is impossible at times. At one point I fell inlove. I was thriteen. Young I know but I knew it was love. At that time he was my worl and my everything. I had thought finally things were turning around. I was young. And as every young girl thinks when she is inlove for the first time, You think you willl be with that person forever and get married. It was odd for me to fall inlove. I have trust issues. Very rarely will I ever trust anyone. But I let this one person in. And ofcourse was betrayed. He cheated. Never have I felt something so painful.
After that I let it hurt me more than I should. For three months straight I couldnt function. I cut more than ever. But with the help of my lord Jesus I over came it. but my heart became darker and I shut myself off to people compeletly. (if it mattters I was with him for a year)
Here I am. Two years later. Inlove once again. With someone amazing and whom I have known for like half my life. It's been about two months sence we have been together but due to reasons he lives rather far from me. And due to my safety and his I am keeping it from mostly all of my family. I don't need anymore mental abuse from them. When I had my last boyfriend things just did not go well. I am not the type to throw the word "Love" around. When I say it I mean it. This is the second time I have really fallen inlove. I know I can trust him but at times I get scared and filled with doubts. But I need to work past that. We are built on trust we keep no secrets and tell no lies.
This person is amazing. He stays with me through everything. He stays even though I'm so ugly he stays even though I am so mentally messed up. Despite all my faults and flaws he stays and he loves me just as much as I love him. I am truely blessed to have him in my life. Here I am again thinking I'm going to be with this person for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be. But I'm not going to worry about it. We are inlove now and I'm not going to worry about the future. But deep down something tells me we will be together for a very very long time. Til death do us part.
This must seem like my life story but it isnt. It's far from it. Maybe later or sometime in the up coming days/months I will post my life story. But for now this is where this post stops. God bless. <3
It's about to turn 11:00p.m. I'm staying with my aunt for the weekend WICH IS THE BEST. I really needed to get away from all the drama at home. My life is well... Werid. I am sixteen. I have seen things and been through things I shouldnt have. My parents are great yes. But have alot of down points. My mom really knows how to bring me down and make me feel like utter shit. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. So often times I really feel like giving up on trying to help with house work. All she ever does is moan whine and sleep. It's just... Uhg.
Being with my aunt is the best. There is no stress and everything is fun. Though at times I feel like I am intruding. So I hope I can figure out ways to help out around the house and such.
I love and hate life. I often think of suicide and of ending my life. And I often use to turn to self harm. But not that I look at the time once it turn mid-night I will have gone eight weeks without cutting. Wich to me is a huge deal. This is a tough battle. People don't seem to understand. But what ever. With my lord Jesus by my side I can get through this. And I hope that one day I will no longer have thougts of suicide or self harm.
In my life it is very very hard for me to keep friends. I am very diffrent than other poeple I talk and think diffrently. And like alot of difffrent things. So me having friends is impossible at times. At one point I fell inlove. I was thriteen. Young I know but I knew it was love. At that time he was my worl and my everything. I had thought finally things were turning around. I was young. And as every young girl thinks when she is inlove for the first time, You think you willl be with that person forever and get married. It was odd for me to fall inlove. I have trust issues. Very rarely will I ever trust anyone. But I let this one person in. And ofcourse was betrayed. He cheated. Never have I felt something so painful.
After that I let it hurt me more than I should. For three months straight I couldnt function. I cut more than ever. But with the help of my lord Jesus I over came it. but my heart became darker and I shut myself off to people compeletly. (if it mattters I was with him for a year)
Here I am. Two years later. Inlove once again. With someone amazing and whom I have known for like half my life. It's been about two months sence we have been together but due to reasons he lives rather far from me. And due to my safety and his I am keeping it from mostly all of my family. I don't need anymore mental abuse from them. When I had my last boyfriend things just did not go well. I am not the type to throw the word "Love" around. When I say it I mean it. This is the second time I have really fallen inlove. I know I can trust him but at times I get scared and filled with doubts. But I need to work past that. We are built on trust we keep no secrets and tell no lies.
This person is amazing. He stays with me through everything. He stays even though I'm so ugly he stays even though I am so mentally messed up. Despite all my faults and flaws he stays and he loves me just as much as I love him. I am truely blessed to have him in my life. Here I am again thinking I'm going to be with this person for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be. But I'm not going to worry about it. We are inlove now and I'm not going to worry about the future. But deep down something tells me we will be together for a very very long time. Til death do us part.
This must seem like my life story but it isnt. It's far from it. Maybe later or sometime in the up coming days/months I will post my life story. But for now this is where this post stops. God bless. <3
Hello People
Hello there,
This is just a test post to see how everything looks. I guess this will be my online diary. So alot of personal stuff and feelings will be posted. Along with alot of random posts and anime stuff. I am very weird and outgoing. Well I am also really shy.
ANYWAY I don't think a test post should be this long. So end~ and here is a cute kitty.
This is just a test post to see how everything looks. I guess this will be my online diary. So alot of personal stuff and feelings will be posted. Along with alot of random posts and anime stuff. I am very weird and outgoing. Well I am also really shy.
ANYWAY I don't think a test post should be this long. So end~ and here is a cute kitty.
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